In need of a costume idea? How about being one of Disney's 10 most underrated characters?
10. Rex,
Toy Story
I know
that this flawless trifecta of computer-animated films is centered around the
machismo astronaut with the heart of gold and his cowboy friend, Tom Hanks, but
Rex is just such a crucial part of what makes this so good. He’s not vocal like
Mr. Potato Head, or sweet like Jessie, but Rex’s adorable voice and terrified
reaction to everything is more than deserving of its own movie. Could we just
have an hour and a half of Rex needing a Xanax?
9.
Kevin, Up
You are
an unrepentant liar if you say that a huge part of the appeal of Up
wasn’t watching Kevin’s bug-eyes look awkwardly at things and hit people with
her head. Her getting the walker with the little tennis balls on it stuck in
her throat and proceeding to cough it up all over everyone was clearly the Citizen
Kane scene of that movie. Don’t deny it.
8. The
Featherduster, Beauty and the Beast
Apparently
this chick had a name (Fifi, for those it may concern), but she was clearly
just the hot French feather duster maid. Her job was to run around the castle
getting boned by Lumière in the kitchen pantry and having an adorable French
accent. Why wasn’t there more of her? Why couldn’t their little romance get
some decent attention? And how creepy was it that her punishment was getting
her feathers ripped out? What does that imply for her human-equivalent body?
Poor feather duster girl.
7.
Vanessa, The Little Mermaid
Let’s be
honest, Ursula’s brief stint as a molten-hot human chick was clearly one of the
high points of this movie. Her singing voice, her fabulous hair, her constant
state of bitch face — you could make a pretty solid argument that she was
hotter, and a better catch (Catch?!?! Like fish?!?! Oh my god I’m hilarious,
you’re welcome for these jokes) than Ariel. I would have probably stayed with
Vanessa, and frankly would enjoy an entire movie of her just running around
looking at things bitchily and throwing hair combs into walls.
6. The
Muses, Hercules
I’m just
going to say this, and I know that it will definitely alienate some disciples
of other Disney classics, but sometimes the truth must be spoken. Hercules
had the best music of any Disney movie. There, I said it. I know, I know,
enraged comments ensue. But seriously, gospel music combined with ancient
Greece and a hilarious James Woods as the devil — this movie is solid gold. Every
thing that comes out of these muses’ mouths is simply perfect, and I would give
several appendages to have them narrate my life. Why can’t they do more movies?
Casablanca was missing one thing, and it was these muses.
5.
Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame
How is
Frollo not more appreciated as a Disney villain? He’s arguably the most
terrifying, given that he’s the closest to actually being someone that could
have existed, oppressing minorities and killing non-believers at will and just
generally being terrifying. I mean, for God’s sake, his entire song was this
insanely creepy ode to the Virgin Mary (?) basically giving her an ultimatum to
either force Esmeralda to love him or send her to hell. This is all during his
periodic, sexual predator whiffs of the scarf he stole from her. I mean,
seriously, could this guy be any worse?
4. Nani,
Lilo and Stitch
Can we
all just collectively take a moment to appreciate how awesome Nani is? She
never gets any love but, aside from being smart and funny and brave enough to
become the parent for her little sister when her parents passed away, she also
showed a kind of beauty that we rarely get to see in kid’s movies. She isn’t
perfectly thin, her nose isn’t a tiny button, but she’s still so gorgeous and
easy to look up to. We need more Nanis in movies for little girls everywhere,
and there’s no reason why we can’t have them.
3.
Esmeralda, The Hunchback of Notre Dame
I’m just
gonna go ahead and point out at this juncture how criminally underrated The
Hunchback of Notre Dame is as a movie. It is seriously so complex, so
fascinating, so well-written and animated, and it never gets the proper amount
of love with the rest of the Disney canon. Perhaps it is due to its own
complexity — its tendency to err towards the more adult themes — that makes it
as hard to take in as a film for kids. But seriously, Esmeralda is so amazing.
She takes shit from absolutely no one, she could teach your Monday night pole
dancing class, and she has a heart of pure gold. Why isn’t she put in the upper
echelons of Disney ladies? She deserves to be there as much as anyone else
(even if the movie was technically about Quasimodo). I guess people are just
threatened by her perfection.
2. Milo,
Atlantis: The Lost Empire
I know
that no one loves this movie, but seriously. Not only is he a hot teacher, not
only does he have that vaguely Goldblum-esque nebbishy hottie thing down to a
science, not only is he an adventurer — he has that 90s-era center part with
ear-length hair thing down PAT. I’m sorry, but Milo would clearly make the best
IRL boyfriend of all the princes. Clearly.
1.
Pocahontas, Pocahontas
Pocahontas
gets the least love of any major Disney Princess, and it is nothing short of a
crime. The fact that we don’t love her more, when she is not only badass and
beautiful, but actually teaches something close to resembling a real lesson
about history and environmentalism and humanity itself — well, it really
reflects poorly on us as a society. Pocahontas should be more than a vaguely
racist Halloween costume, she should be respected for being the most subdued,
intelligent, and mature of the Disney Princesses. Even her voice was different,
it was so much more rich and adult than the rest of the girls. And that’s good
— not every princess needs to be wide-eyed and naive. Some might actually have
something to teach her prince, and we could all use more characters like that.
